


Breathe In, Breathe Out, Let the Human In

by Space_Angel1



Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Depression, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Inspired by Music, Please stay safe, Self-Harm, Suicidal Thoughts, Sympathetic Deceit Sanders, stay alive |-/
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-27
Updated: 2018-09-27
Packaged: 2019-07-18 08:08:08
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,579
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16114331
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Space_Angel1/pseuds/Space_Angel1
Summary: This totally isn't a vent. This totally isn't me not knowing how to make sense of my emotions, so I didn't put them on Dee and have him suffer through it as well to try to make sense of them for me. This artwork and song totally didn't break my heart...





	Breathe In, Breathe Out, Let the Human In

**Author's Note:**

> Song: [Human by Of Monsters And Men](https://youtu.be/0EnrFe3Zb6k)
> 
> Art: Ally-the-Fox-20 on deviantart A.K.A 5am-the-foxing-hour on tumblr
> 
> TW: Depression, Self-Harm, Mentions of Suicide. 
> 
> Stay Alive |-/

He woke in a cold sweat, hundreds of thoughts filtering through his mind, all pointing towards the same thing.  _Death._ The inevitable. 

 

 _I don't want to be here._ He thought.  _I'm done. I'm tired. I don't want to do this anymore. Why am I even still here? Why am I even still alive? What's the point? No one cares. I'm alone. No one cares. No one would notice if I was gone. Why? Why? Why?_

 

His heart screamed in agony. He clutched his chest, digging his nails into his skin.  _Pain. Pain. Pain. Want pain._ 

 

He looked around his room, desperate for anything he could use. His gaze shifted to the firefly lights on the back wall, how calming they'd been to him before and how little they did now. He saw his hat he used to hide his curls under. He saw the theatre masks and the poster that read, "Keep calm and lie."

 

He wanted to vomit. He was sick of lies. He was sick of being lies. He was sick of believing his own lies. He was sick of the lies that this would go away. He was sick of the lies that it would get better. Because it  _WASN'T_. He was getting worse. He couldn't tell the other sides, they wouldn't understand. He could talk to Virgil, he knew the younger dark side had struggled with this. But he wasn't sure if Virgil was strong enough, if he could handle the mess that he was.  _The burden._  

 

_Die. Die. Die._

 

The chant repeated in his head. He wanted to die so bad, but he couldn't find the motivation to even stand. He just sat there, staring at the floor as the thoughts continued to kill him from the inside out. 

 

He saw something glint from out of the corner of his eye and glanced up. His cloak that had offered him comfort time and time again hung from the bed post, light from the lamp reflecting off the chain that had once held it securely around his shoulders. He reached out a shaky hand for it, pausing to detangle himself from the wired earbuds that had somehow wrapped around him without his any recollection of using them. 

 

He grasped the fabric and quickly tugged it to himself, immediately burying his face in the fabric.

 

_Alone. I'm alone. No one understands. Help me. Please. Who am I begging? There's no one there._

 

He laid down, wrapping the cloak around himself and stroking it. It's silkiness felt soothing on his scales, but right now he didn't want soothing. He didn't want comfort. He wanted  _pain_.

 

He found the chain clasp and slowly pulled it through his fingers. He glared at his hand, unable to see fully in the dim lighting and mostly imagining what it looked like from past memories. He traced every single one of his hated scales that he hid under gloves so the others didn't have to look at them. He never wore anything that would show them, even if he was dying of heat, he would always wear slacks and a long sleeve shirt so the other sides' sight wasn't cursed by his presence. 

 

He dug his nails into his hand, closing his eyes. He smiled a bit as his hand screamed to be released. Finally he relented, moved a bit further, and dug his nails into a new spot. Again the beautiful sensation of pain over took his hand. He did it a few more times before his hand started going numb and he couldn't feel the pain anymore. So he switched and repeated the process with his right hand.

 

After a while, he started being able to feel his left hand again, so he wrapped the chain around it and through his fingers and pulled tight. He gasped as pain engulfed the cut off areas. He held the chain tight for a good minute before growing tired and finally loosening and taking it off. He let the cloak fall onto his chest as he traced the dips in his skin left by the chain. He poked and prodded at his hand, nerves sending weak signals of disatisfaction, but not much else. He sighed and let his hands fall to his chest. He laid there and stared at his ceiling, thinking about nothing. 

 

 _It's so quite_. He thought.

 

He tried to direct his thoughts towards ideas he'd come up with for Roman for the next video. That led to memories of hanging out with Roman, both renacting scenes from movies or plays. That led to memories of him saying something in a lie on accident. That led to memories of him being shunned, and-

 

 _No_ , he thought.  _It's over. We're fine. I'm forgiven._

 

Still, for some reason he couldn't let it go. It continued eating at him, until finally a sharp intake could be heard as well as sheets flying and a thud on the floor. 

 

He shook and dug his hands into the short carpet, scratching at it, trying desperately to grip ANYTHING. He brought a hand up to his mouth to muffle his gasps and shaking breaths. He looked around his room wildly, barely catching the time to be 1:34 am. 

 

_I can strangle myself. I can over dose. I can drown. I can jump. I can-_

 

His breath caught as he heard a creak outside his door. He stilled on the floor, staring at the door, waiting for something to happen. Half of him screamed for whoever it was to come rescue him. The other half screamed for them to go away. Soon he heard the soft foot steps he knew to be belonging to Virgil move away. An agonizing scream sounded inside him that only he could hear. He curled into a ball and rocked himself. 

 

 _I want to die. Let me die._   _I feel so sick. Dammit. Why. Please. Die. Need to die. Can't take this anymore._

 

A light suddenly shone from his bed and reflected off the ceiling. He slowly crawled back and sat up, heaving himself back onto the mattress. He turned his phone back on and saw a notification of recommended songs. 

 

"Human by Of Monsters And Men." He read aloud. He took one final glance around his room before burying himself under the covers, slipping his earbuds in and clicking on the notification. The screen loaded and a ad played while he shifted and got comfortable.

 

 _I'm too tired to do anything tonight_ , he thought.  _I'll just suffer for now and see what happens tomorrow._

 

The ad ended and the song began with a guitar and vocal instrumental. He felt his shoulders ease as sound finally entered his ears. He placed his phone screen-down beside him and closed his eyes, bringing the blankets closer to his face.

 

_"When the words... Weigh... Heavy on the heart."_

 

He vaugely thought of the lies that now surrounded his every hour. How many were there? Would he ever get out? There were so many, he knew they were there. But he was so tired, there was no way he could call them all out. So he just suffered at their mercy.

 

_"I am lost. And led... Only by the stars."_

 

There was no way out. He couldn't make it out alone. But-

 

_"Cage me like an animal. A crown with gems and gold."_

 

They couldn't help him. He was insane when he was like this. Worse than an animal. He couldn't be trusted. He couldn't trust his thoughts. They told him to kill himself, just for fun. A crown with gems and gold? Is that what he looks like? Is that what he pretends to be? Is that what the others see? How far from the truth...

 

_"Eat me like a cannibal. Chase the neon throne."_

 

"You shouldn't lie so much." They'd say. "Don't play the victim." They'd say. "It'll go away." They'd say. "Just think positive!" They'd say. The glances of disappointment. The glares when he doesn't agree.

 

 _I'm sorry I can't fit into your 'perfect' box._ He thought. Even without knowing, they pushed him further into this. Yet he could never tell them for fear of being told he's playing the victim, that he isn't really hurt, that he doesn't really have depression. That he's just seeking attention. 

 

_"Breathe in, breathe out. Let the human in."_

 

He realized he'd been holding his breath as he spiraled further into panic. He took a deep breath, held it, and let it out.

 

_"Breathe in, breathe out. And let it in."_

 

 

_Perhaps the human is the part of me that doesn't want to die? The part of me that still believes in hope? That still believes in life?_

 

_"Plants awoke and they slowly grow, beneath the skin."_

 

_Plants are often a sign of new life. New growth. Hope. For them to grow beneath the skin would be for there to be hope inside and to actually believe it. Believe in hope instead of external sources proclaiming false hope._

 

_"So breathe in, breathe out. And let the human in."_

 

He sighed and allowed himself to relax. He grabbed his phone and clicked repeat before settling his arms back underneath the warmth of the blankets. He wasn't sure what he was going to do tomorrow. He didn't want to think about it. But for now, he would just be. He would breathe in. He would breathe out. He would let the human in. And he wouldn't die. Not tonight.

**Author's Note:**

> I don't have deviantart or tumblr, so I wasn't able to contact the artist to let her know her art inspired a fic, so if anyone would be willing to, could you let her know and let me know in the comments if you did? Tysm. <3
> 
> Also, I don't want any of you to worry. I'm fine, I'm not gonna do anything, I just needed to get some things out and do something to distract myself from my own problems. 
> 
> |-/


End file.
